I'm literally shaking with gleeful joy at writing this, I have been all day. How much gleeful joy you ask? FHHGJW SJHQ WRHQDGFG WJWRYJTHKRYG HDFGHSGMJRWYHJ THIS MUCH JOY. Today was a (Okay, seriously as a warning I'm going to start cussing like the Fist of the North Star now, I do it a lot when I'm happy. If you are offended by words on a monitor, or your parents like to read over your shoulder, don't read it, or at least now while other people are looking. I'm serious, this will let unto HARDCORE CUSSING, ye have been warned) the best motherfucking goddamn shit-tarded adventure I've had in fucking... a long ass time. Minus work, which I have a few stories to tell about later, which are good, and might involve less cussing. Also I fucking love commas, they make the words sound like I would speak them. Whatever. I'm also going to lean in with some background info where applicable.
So I'm writing this, sitting in my bed (sofa ATM) at the end of a long day and after rampaging in WoW for a few hours as that has become my nightly ritual. Today was a good day. Why? Heh...

I didn't have to work at Civic Theater today (where I have been working the past few weeks on the production of "Annie Get Your Gun", great caste great people all around I can get you some tickets if you want. Shows run from 6:30 to 10:30 for all the things involved, Thursday to Sunday, I'm in the crew) because we had today off for the 4th. Cool. Jay wasn't home (a friend in the US army who works in Psy-Ops, currently stationed in Afghanistan, came home a few weeks ago, that's another story in itself lol) so it wasn't quite as fun, but Ralph had the day off, so it wasn't too bad. Ralph is a good friend of mine, I work with him often on certain contracts and we've come to understand each other pretty well (That I get pissed of really bad and easily at expressive forms of faggotry, and that he likes nothing more than to set up some elaborate stunt in public to get some bloke laughed at, like collapsing walls on a porta-potty, which he has done). We know how to have a good time and GET SHIT DONE.

Since I had today off I figured I'd hang out with Ralph, seeing as how he came into my room via kicking down the door (lotsa my friends like that...) and dragging my ass out of bed to get dressed (which was compounded by the fact I was sleeping in my loft bed last night) I figured I may as well humor him. We went out, had some lunch and played a nice rousing game of "Don't Touch my Fucking French Fries or I'll Stab You With My Butter Knife" (DTmFFFoISYWmBK for short), he has very poor reflexes but doesn't stop once he starts, oh lawd the holes. XD Not long after that his GF called (or DM sometimes, if you know what I'm saying). She's a very attractive woman, minus (not to me, derp) the fact she's missing both her legs at somewhere around mid-thigh. No, I still don't know how that happened. Very frisky, lots of fun to carry around (I don't do it, not in public at least), and her wheel chair can only be described as that which belongs to a PIMP.

We chatted for a while, Ralph and Nina (Her, duh) decided what they would be getting at the grocery store. Etc etc not plot developing material to add to my boring life. We figure we would check out who was using the Rec hall in Dunsburough (not actually what it is called, but I'm under contract to not say its name since we do so much work out there, which I am also under contract to not discuss) which is our unofficial hangout spot.. Turns out there was some kind of ... TWILIGHT CONVENTION, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF and one of our friends (and occasionally colleague) Jeoffri was pulling security for it. (Poor bastard).

Now, believe me when I say Ralph has a RAGING HARD-ON for pissing off Twilight fans. Many reasons, it's so easy, it's not hard to want to, it gives him an excuse for calling self-defense, etc. But since Jeoffri is such a cool dude and asked us not to start too much trouble we decided to heed his request. Of course that didn't mean Ralph couldn't go into a discussion and just generally rip apart Twilight. He literally wears an under-shirt that has some anti-Twilight phrase on it for just such an occasion. He whips it out, and you can feel the estrogen-laced rage build up.

So he sits down on an edge of one of these pillars in the front (like you see on a Safeway store or something) and pulls out one of his huge freakin' cigars (It wasn't a non-smoking area). I sit on a side and start up a phone conversation so as not to get immediately involved (it's my style). He idly puffs away and after not very long you can hear people in the crowd start to say shit. And I mean stupid shit. As far as a pack of Twihards go these weren't very high up on the genetic totem pole. Mostly scene-girls, Lodi is FULL of them (wannabe emos/ACTUAL emos, and not the good kind. Like MCR and fallout boy like OMG did you see that way Michael looked at me? EEEK kinda thing, and their moms, but not so many of those) So all around faggots. If you ever met a cool person they would be dragged along, bound and gagged in this kind of crowd, that's the only way you'd see them there.

Ralph is a funny guy, he's big but looks like he's 17 or so in a rotund kinda way, shorter than me by 3 or four inches (He's 22, and married happily to Nina). It's easy to confuse him for a younger kid, and frequently I can pass for his older brother or dad (If I wear my glasses right and borrow some of his fake ear-piercings, which I was doing now for shits and giggles). Anyway Ralph has a magic ability to piss you off if he wants. He can turn standing there smoking in torture for you. Well he was sort of pretending to be waiting for a bus (we had parked behind this place) and was just working his magic. I mean DAMN, shit started getting intense, fast. Before you know it some little 16 year old emo-tistical girl walks up with this pouty strut and tries to smack the stogey out of Ralph's mouth with this smile on her face like she was so the shit. Well he was just taking a drag so his hand was already on it, and he simply lowers it for a moment so her hand just sort of taps his face. Oh, and he sticks out his tounge (Cold, devious bastard that he is, god bless him, he's gonna get cancer rofl) Of course he plays it like he's all butt-hurt while she's looking at her hand like it has TEH AIDS or something, and they get in a huffy which naturally moves to her blaming him for wearing his damn crazy shirt. I'm pretending to be oblivious to all of this, BTW. Soon there were 3 or 4 girls and some man-girl (omg shoez) harrassing him and he is just ruining their shit, all their retarded arguements shot down easily and soon they're forced to resort to "well you're just dumb *author's name I can't be bothered to remember* is the best evar omg Eddy-kins!" and Ralph is laughing. Every once in a while that girl makes another swat for his cigar hoping to throw him off, repeat of before and it just gets funnier. Well at this point I figure he's had enough fun and at this point the little kid-lets are literally just starting to beat him up (or trying to. Ralph may look chubby but underneath he is ALL MUSCLE, I know). It gets pretty violent and I was afraid more people would start coming over, I knew Jeoffri was getting nervous.

So in turn I start yelling into the phone, half in italian mixed in with swear words (FUCKING ham cutlets I DONT CARE HOW car wash mushroom sheep carcass DO IT STUPID SHIT) and the person on the other end of the line (friend of Ralphs) is laughing their ass off because they know what's going down. I mean I started to drown out the bitchfest, which was loud. Soon they're looking at me, one of them says something to the effect of "excuse us?" (moar liek IM A FAGGOT amirite? Jk man, jk). So here I ended my faux phone converstation, sort of emulate slamming it shut (as well as you can for a cell phone lol) and then, without looking, take the cigar out of Ralphs laughing mouth, take a loooong drag (For dramatic effect, I nearly puked. XD NEVAR AGAIN ) and then proceeded to put it out on arm (I had totally dried it up, it just left a bunch of ash on my arm) and stomped it. While letting the smoke ooze from my face I asked Ralph in a quietly pissed tone, "You done here?" He got quiet and nodded, and then I said "Let's get the fuck out then." I cast a look of "Don't fucking dare start shit" as best I could (acting abilities barely withstanding, and almost gagging) at the gaggle of faggles around us to shut them up, and walked away with Ralph in tow. Once out of ear-shot down the back alley we were tripping balls laughing so hard, as queietly as possible so the foolios wouldn't catch on. BRO FIST. XD
Spent the rest of the night with Ralph and Nina watching fireworks, good stuff.

-LATERZ, HAW.